The Solo Parent Society podcast is hosted by author and founder Robert Beeson to help single parents raise healthy kids, and grow themselves through conversations with other parents who have walked, or are still walking the 'Solo Parent' path. Plus experts on the things that Solo Parents face the most. The mission of Solo Parent Society is to provide the resources, community, and support that enables a single-parent to discover whole-heart wellness so that their family can thrive.
Our homes have become more than just a traditional home for us during the pandemic. It's now our workplace and our kids school too. That's why the topic of balance at home is so important. Our lives look so different than they did a year. Even without the challenges of COVID-19, a single parent home can be chaotic. We are juggling all kinds of things. So, how do we create a stable, balanced home life for our kids?
Here are 5 suggestions:
Develop a support network. Raising kids is difficult even with two parents. Without a network, we can easily become overwhelmed. Having a support system strengthens, reinforces, and encourages us as parents bearing the weight alone. Having people in our lives who fill us up is crucial so we can create a balanced home life for our kids to launch from.
Create a routine. This can be a game changer as a single parent! When we build a framework for our schedule and daily needs, we add consistency that can help us move forward with less chaos. Set a specific bedtime, get your kids alarm clocks so they can learn to wake up on time, decide on simple meal ideas that you go back to often. It's hard to put these things in place but once you do, they become the best friend of a frazzled single parent! And, kids need routine. Routine gives kids security
Take time for yourself. When we invest in ourselves, we are investing in our home life too. This may sound counterintuitive but taking care of yourself pays dividends at home. When you are centered and present, you provide an anchor of stability for your kids. A single parent who finds daily moments of peace for their own hearts is in a much better place to establish balance at home for their kids.
Stay positive. This isn't always easy, but we can choose our attitude. Yes, we will have days full of tears but after the tears are over, we have a choice. We can walk out of that trusting God and walking in the truth that He is with us. We can choose joy. Smile - often, be kind, hug your kids! Notice the good things your kids are doing. If you find yourself complaining, turn it around and find thing to be grateful for. This is where the rubber meets the road. Ask God to show you how to maintain a positive attitude even when life is complicated, because our hope is in Him.
Set aside time for your kids. We need quality time with our kids, and not just family time but individual time. Be deliberate about setting aside time to focus on each one. One on one time highlights their importance and makes our kids feel seen and loved. If your schedule is overwhelmed, it doesn't have to be a ton of time. Quality time trumps quantity. Our intentionality matters more than the amount.
As you seek to put practices like these in place, remember to give yourself grace. We are all works in progress. Balance in any area is challenging, so give up the ideal of being able to do this perfectly. Perfect balance is impossible, but your efforts will pay off. Stay encouraged, single parents! You may not be able to measure the effectiveness of what you're doing to stabilize your home in the immediate, maybe not even in the next five years, but your kids are watching and they are carrying it with them.
Single parents, as you seek balance in this new year, you are not alone. As you walk the journey of solo parenting, we want to offer encouragement and hope any way we can. Join our Solo Parent Society community by participating in one of our online groups meeting Monday through Saturday every week. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram (@soloparentsociety). Subscribe to our weekly podcast via AccessMore or wherever you get your podcasts and download our Solo Parent app FREE in the app store. We love to connect single parents to resources that offer hope and help. If you want to donate so we can reach more single-parent families, go to www.soloparentsociety.com. Questions? Email us at info@spsociety.com.
Single parents, we know you have so many balls in the air. In the chaos, your minds are often filled with jumbled thoughts too. Each of us has limited ability and time to meet the expectations placed on us. Living deliberately can elude us. Often our focus is on simply keeping our kids healthy and fed as our thoughts swirl with work issues, financial strain, and questions on just how we are going to get it all done.
This week we are talking about balanced thinking. We know how important our minds are in shaping how we feel, how we choose to live our lives, and how we parent. If we can be more balanced in our thinking, we can be better parents for our kids.
Three strategies to renew our minds and have more balanced thinking are:
Choose your battles. Let go of consuming thoughts. Give yourself permission to let some things go. You cannot give equal time to everything.
Right size your expectations. Remember, you are not two parents. You are only one. You are capable of only so much. Take the pressure off yourself!
Redefine success through God's eyes. Realize that you are living for an Audience of One, our heavenly Father who loves us. Living through the lens of God's acceptance and approval helps us redefine our priorities and choose what is most important instead of living according to the push and pull of what the world tells us.
For complete show notes and links go to - https://soloparentsociety.com/blog/2021/01/11/how-to-have-balanced-thinking
Balance: How to Find Daily Spiritual Balance
"Any theology or any way of living that doesn't lead back to loving God and loving others with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength is actually bad theology." - Jake Smith, founder of Plumline www.shamahway.com www.jakesmithjr.com
We want to be deliberate about finding balance in 2021 and that starts with our spiritual lives. And that's what we talk about this week on our podcast - how to find daily spiritual balance.
Finding balance is difficult for all of us but single parents find it particularly challenging. Many of us don't experience consistent balance. Rather, we tend to live going between highs and lows as we try to juggle everything on our plates while being a solo parent.
Our guest this week is Jake Smith, a former pastor who created a non-profit called Plumline which is centered on personal development and spiritual, emotional, and relational health. Plumline offers weekly groups that lead individuals through a process that helps them integrate their heart, mind, soul, and strength as they relate to God, themselves, and others.
If we are to find godly balance in our lives, integrating these areas is essential.
Jesus talked about this in Mark 12 when he answered the question spiritual leaders posed, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?" Jesus' response was to quote the Shamah. "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." In Matthew 22, he addresses the same questions and says, "All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
"If we want to summarize what Jesus is all about, or if we want to summarize the Scriptures, in a nutshell, Jesus did that for us. He said this is essentially the core of everything. Any theology or any way of living that doesn't lead back to that, loving God and others with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength is actually bad theology. So, when we talk about balance, we can pull from what Jesus said is most important by looking at our spiritual anatomy - our heart, our mind, our soul, and our strength. These are unique parts of us, and we need all four parts to developed and interconnected. This is how we can show up to life and to our relationships - with our kids, with our colleagues, at work - with the fullness of our design." - Jake Smith
So, when we talk about balance, we need to consider these four parts of our "spiritual anatomy" that Jesus talks about in the Shamah because this is how he asks us to relate to God and to others.
What does it look like to show up to my life with my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength, in an interconnected way, to the people and things who matter most?
Elizabeth, a single mom through divorce, has been part of Plumline groups for the past year. As an Enneagram 7, she tends to avoid her feelings and run from them. She tends to go toward the area of strength first and foremost, but Plumline has taught her that she doesn't need to be afraid of the other areas. It's given her the ability to trust God more and understand that her feelings help her connect to Him more. Elizabeth uses the Shamah Way app to check in daily on how she's feeling, be honest about it, and pay attention to all the four parts of her spiritual anatomy. Just identifying what she's experiencing in her heart, mind, soul, and strength, helps her walk through her day with God, integrating all of them, rather than just one or two.
The tendency is to live dominantly from one or two of these parts. Some of us live from our minds as "thinkers", others live as "doers" acting in their strength most. If we only live from our feelings, we may become overwhelmed emotionally and get stuck, not acting in our strength when we need to. The key to daily spiritual balance is paying attention to each of these areas and living from a place of integration. Instead, we often overuse an area we are comfortable while neglecting other parts of ourselves that may be more difficult for us to access or acknowledge.
For example, we may excel at strategizing and putting a plan in place but be less able to recognize our feelings. When this happens, we may show up for a heart conversation with our mind instead and miss an important opportunity to connect with someone we care about at a deeper level. When we overuse or underuse any of these areas, we find ourselves imbalanced, hindered in our ability to connect in a healthy way with God, with ourselves, and with others.
Learning to live from a place of integration with all four parts is a daily spiritual practice. It's called spiritual practice because we need to do "daily reps" in each area. We must practice within the arena of the four significant parts of you. As single parents, the deck is stacked against us in using each area because we are often so busy getting through our day and getting things done, we use our minds and strength only and neglect our heart and soul. A key area of practice for single parents is being intentional about paying attention to those parts of you too.
If you need to find ways to practice daily spiritual balance, this podcast is a great place to start!
Single parents, as you seek balance in this new year, you are not alone. As you walk the journey of solo parenting, we want to offer encouragement and hope any way we can. Join our Solo Parent Society community by participating in one of our online groups meeting Monday through Saturday every week. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram (@soloparentsociety). Subscribe to our weekly podcast via AccessMore or wherever you get your podcasts and download our Solo Parent app FREE in the app store. We love to connect single parents to resources that offer hope and help. If you want to donate so we can reach more single-parent families, go to www.soloparentsociety.com. Questions? Email us at info@spsociety.com.
The holidays can be very difficult for single parents. The one thing we can count on is change, like changes in tradition and changes is time with our kids. What we once knew is often now very different. Gd promises He will turn all things to good and that He is doing a new thing in our lives, but the idea of newness and change can still make us uneasy. Our dreams that have been shattered leave us picking up the pieces while walking into a new frontier. We don't know how things are going to turn out especially after facing the unexpected already.
How do you embrace the new and encounter God in newness?
1. Identify past dreams and past realities - Be authentic and take inventory of what you have lost and how you are feeling. Take time to grieve specific losses. If you move on too quickly, you can stay stuck and carry the pain with you. As you embrace God in newness, acknowledge your dreams but also acknowledge your realities. Sometimes loss can make us look at the past through rose colored glasses and remember things more utopian than they were making it harder for us to move on.
2. Pray about what could be. Become willing to dream again. Confess to God if you are afraid of dreaming again. Ask Him to help you dream about a new future, new possibilities, and a new you. Change is hard but staying the same can be even worse. Ask God to be with you in the new so you don't miss the opportunities planned for you in the now.
3. Accept that new is the new normal. Start to live in a state of anticipation. Began to believe that what is coming is better than what you left behind. New can be scary but it is also full of possibility.
Newness can be scary for anyone. As a single parent, Marissa, shares that when she first became a solo parent after her husband died, she longed for an unbroken world where all things were made new and better. What she realized though is that brokenness in the world doesn't change but we can be made new despite that. Past experiences and losses, while hard, can serve to change us, to make us new and different. Like Paul, we can learn to embrace any circumstance provided God is with us. But embracing change is hard because what comes next may not be what we want. There is uncertainty in "new". Old feels safe and reassuring because even if it wasn't best, we still knew what to expect, and in many ways that feels comfortable.
To embrace the new, we must first identify our past dreams and past realities. We must take time to accept that what we once had or hoped for is no longer possible. The ideals and dreams of where our life was going must be examined. We have to face the reality of what is happening now. We all want happy kids, effortless parenting, a perfect home. We often look at our lives through a Hallmark filter that isn't realistic. It represents hopes and dreams but not our real-life experiences. Before we embrace the new, we have to realize that some of our ideals were not congruent with our actual lives. Looking back is important because we can't grieve something until we identify it. It's impossible to move into the new without letting go of those ideals and realities. It's helpful to see that our lives weren't perfect in the past anymore than they will be now or in the future. Accepting and acknowledging this helps us grieve and then let go.
Maybe the newness this year means you can't provide as many presents for your kids as you want to or maybe your house doesn't have Christmas lights outside. But, instead of presents, remember that your kids want your PRESENCE. Instead of Christmas lights, your kids want to see light in your eyes when you look at them. Embracing the new can bring up grief but it can also help us realign our priorities. As we do this, we may experience transitional hurt. We feel the excitement or joy of what is ahead while also feeling the loss of what we are moving away from.
As you move toward the new, second, ask God to be with you. Pray about the future. Ask Him what is next and what is best for you and for your kids. Let Him be part of the process. We may have ideas of what is best but God's ways are different than ours. We sometimes think the areas of loss in our life must be filled with something that is the same as what we had before but God often provides something else, something better. In our longing for what we had; we can miss what He is giving us instead. Especially when His plan in the new surprises us. Isaiah 57:15 says, "I live in a high and holy place, but I also live with people who are sad and humble. I give new life to those who are humble. I give new life to those whose hearts are broken." We can go to God honestly, humbly, and share our broken hearts with Him. He will meet us there and be with us in the hurt. Rather than cling to the old, we can ask Him to help us embrace the new. God is a multiplier. He can take the little bit of faith we have and turn it into something amazing and wonderful.
Sometimes asking "what if" questions can help us look ahead with God. "What if the old tradition needed to be changed anyway?" "What if the plan I had was leading me to a worst place only I didn't know it?" "What if what God has in store is even better than what I had before?" Asking questions like this allows an opportunity to embrace the idea of new with curiosity. Robert Beeson said that prompts like this, while journaling, helped him let go of the past and move toward the new with more openness. This process is cathartic. Offering the future to God allows Him to start painting something new on the canvas of your future. Psalm 37:5-7 says, "Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun." As we let God into our future, He will help us each step of the way. He will bring light to what we once thought would be dark days.
After first acknowledging and grieving our past dreams and past realities, and second, inviting God into the newness with us, third, we can accept that new is our new normal. This season is different. And, it is supposed to be. We aren't here by chance. God can and will shape our experiences, past and present, into His plan and will for our lives. Even when things are new and uncertain to us, they are not surprises to God. Knowing He holds our lives and future in His hands can help us embrace the new as our new normal.
When we submit our lives to God and dare to dream again, we can trust Him to redeem our experiences. He won't restore things exactly as they were but He can bring forgiveness, healing and redemption to those events. And He will go with us into a new future.
Our tendency is to want God to bring back what we once had, to replace what we lost. Instead, God often brings us something different but better. Maybe we think redemption should mean we get married again, and quickly, but that isn't how God works. God's idea of new isn't always our idea. God can make new out of things in ways we didn't know were possible. God can resurrect dead dreams. He can bring to life places in our hearts that we thought would neve live again.
The newness of God isn't in the replacement of all things but in the redemption of all things. And He can and will bring that redemption. Accepting new as the new normal means a future full of hope and light. Healing happens as we walk ahead with Him. Finding God with us in newness is a process. We first need to accept and acknowledge the past, ask God to be with us in the new, and to embrace new as our new normal.
Single parents, as you embrace newness in this season, you are not alone. As you walk the journey of solo parenting, we want to offer encouragement and hope any way we can. Join our Solo Parent Society community by participating in one of our online groups meeting Monday through Saturday every week. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram (@soloparentsociety). Subscribe to our weekly podcast via AccessMore or wherever you get your podcasts and download our Solo Parent app FREE in the app store. We love to connect single parents to resources that offer hope and help. If you want to donate so we can reach more single-parent families, go to www.soloparentsociety.com.
Questions? Email us at info@spsociety.com.
We are in a crazy time this year, and on some days, it feels hopeless. We are trying to get through the pandemic, move on past the election, and find a new perspective for 2021, but there's just so much going on. We want to look ahead with hope but what are we hoping in? Is it a political outcome, a vaccine, a change in our circumstances?
When we look to these things for hope, we can set ourselves up for a cycle of disappointment and despondency. Today we are talking about finding hope in Emmanuel, God with Us.
We are so thrilled to have Kristi McClelland with us on our podcast this week. Kristi is an author, professor, speaker, and biblical culturist. Kristi teaches the Bible through its original historical, cultural, linguistic, and geographic context. This approach helps build a bridge to help us understand the world and culture of the bible to know what the authors meant and show us who the living God is, what he's like and what it's like to walk with Him.
When Kristi was 21 years old, as a senior in college, she lost her father unexpectedly to cancer just a few weeks after diagnosis. It was devastating and felt like the rug was pulled out from under her. Her whole world changed in a moment. As she was mourning and hurting, she would sleep with her Bible under her pillow so she could read a psalm or just a few words of comfort.
Now, years later, Kristi has faced other reasons to need comfort and hope, just as we all have. We all need anchors of hope and, as believers, we have a living Hope in Christ - a hope that is alive, breathing, walking around, able to meet us in our troubles. In times like these, Kristi prays, "Lord, I need your hope to find me because I don't have it in me to find it." I'm upside down, I feel disoriented, so find me, find me and usher in that hopefulness." Kristi describes Living Hope as different from hope that is experienced as a feeling which is how it's talked about in other world religions. "Our hope is not based in a certain theology, rhythm, or practice. Our hope is based on a man, a living resurrected man. It's not just that Jesus came but that He is still here, living, moving, breathing, having his way, shepherding us through our lives." So, hope isn't a thing, it's not a feeling. "Our hope is living because Jesus is alive and, in our lives, right now, shepherding our lives in ways known and unknown in mystery and uncertainty. We're all going to fool around and make it - because of Him. We are going to fool around and make it through this season, as we have every season of devastation and loss that comes before, because it's not just that He came to earth. He came to earth, He is here, and He's coming again one day. So, we live in the twilight of who He is so it's Living Hope."
After the loss of her Dad and again now in 2020, Kristi shares, "We've all had longing and aching this year, for things past and for things ahead. The Bible says God longs for things too." Kristi says this truth is found in Isaiah 30:18 which says, "Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you. He rises to show you compassion." Kristi learned it when she lost her dad and she's learning it again this year. "Compassion is the fusion of two words. "Com" means "with" and "passion" comes from "pathos" which means "pain". So, compassion in the Biblical world is not an emotion. It's a location. Compassion means positioning yourself with people in their pain. The Bible here in this verse is saying that the Lord longs to position himself with us in our pain. He rises to show us compassion. "You think of all those seasons in life when maybe you've thought, "Oh I need to clean myself up before I come to God" or "Why am I having another meltdown?" "Why can't I get it together? Why is everybody else smarter, quicker, better, faster, stronger than me, and I'm the one behind, struggling?" The Bible tells us that this is where God locates Himself - with us and among us in our pain. "When we are the most undone, He is the closest. When we are fundamentally disoriented, He comes so near, to be with us in our pain." And when we are hurting, isn't that what we need? We just want to know we are not alone. Kristi has been thinking about this verse so much this year and asking God to locate Himself with her in the pain. If we know God is with us and among us, that Living Hope will see us through.
But, so often we are in a rush to get through the pain. We want to get past it and not have to sit in it and learn from it. Kimberley Mitchell, cohost on the Solo Parent Society podcast, shares that she and founder, Robert Beeson, talk about this often. We want to avoid the pain, but God meets us on some of our most broken, hard, painful days! It is in some of our darkest times that some of the greatest moments with God occur. Often, we think instead, "when this breakthrough happens or when my kids are acting better or when I get married, then we will feel hope". But this is misplaced hope.
How do we find hope in God in a wilderness or desert season? In the Western world, Kristi says we often ask, "How did I get here? What did I do to get here? And how do I get out of it?" whereas the ancients in the Middle East ask very different questions. They understand that God does some of His best work in the wilderness and in the dessert. The Jewish people equate the wilderness as a place we go to hear God's voice, to hear His Word. Moses was in the dessert when he heard God speak from the burning bush. Elijah fled to the dessert to hear God's still small voice. Jesus was in the dessert 40 days and 40 nights when angels came to tend to Him. "When you find yourself in a wilderness, don't try to get out of it. Hunker down and start listening." It's in the wilderness where we get our word from the Lord. Kristi says rather than trying to get out of it, position yourself to hear the word of the Lord in this. In Hosea 2, the Lord says, "I will allure her to the dessert and there I will speak tenderly to her." This verse is one we can hold on to as single parents. This passage goes on to say that we will no longer call God our Master, but we will instead call him our Husband. In our dessert season, God wants to meet with us and deepen His relationship with us. In the wilderness, we become fused to the Lord in a new, more intimate way that the mountaintop could never teach us.
We can't change the pandemic; we can't change our circumstances, but we can attune our ears to God's voice. We can listen for His voice in the dessert. He is with us in our pain. Sometimes we struggle and strain so much trying to get out of the wilderness, that we miss His word to us. This is where our transformation happens.
In our weekly Solo groups, this is what we want to do. We don't want to struggle to get out and to avoid the pain but rather we want to take time to listen for God's voice in the pain. Rather than numbing out through eating, Netflix, alcohol, sex, or whatever it is we turn to, we need to instead allow God to sit with us and meet with us in it. There is so much happening out of our control right now, but we need to stay present and not run from this season.
One of the ways we can do that this year is by allowing ourselves to lament. This is a practice that was used often by Jewish people in the Bible. There are all kinds of liturgies and songs of lament. "In Judaism and the biblical world, both joy and sorrow are considered to be communal emotions." Rather than individual private expressions, in Jewish culture, they celebrate and mourn together. Lament is a communal, spiritual practice. When we don't numb out, when we stay alive and present in our lament, lament transforms and matures us. It purposes and accomplishes things in us that are different than celebrations and joy. Just like sore muscle after we work out are something we accept as part of the process in getting stronger, the soreness of lament is evidence of the work being done in us too. When we numb out, we become overwhelmed by anxiety. We must ask God for the grace to embrace lament and not resist it. Kristi shares, "If we numb out, we come out of a dessert season, no different than when we entered it. If we try to escape it, we will not be transformed by it. We must learn to lament with our community, to feel the sadness, to journal it, to not avert our eyes but to investigate it, and past it with Living hope. When we do that, we come out of it stronger and a little bit more mature." Don't miss the work God wants to do in you with lament. When we do that, we have more of ourselves to give to others when they're in their dessert season.
How do we lean into community during lament?
When we feel overwhelming feelings and when we are tempted to isolate, Kristi says this is a red flag. Practice reaching for community when nothing in you wants to. Have safe people you can be honest with and tell them you are getting stuck in isolation and need help getting out. Loneliness is a big issue for single parents and reaching out is hard but it's so important. It takes courage to reach out and acknowledge you're not doing okay. Be honest and seek out what you need. Yes, it feels vulnerable and humbling, but isolation can rob us of our hope. Expressing a need awakens compassion from others. Be brave and embrace lament - with God and with others. He longs to meet you there. He is Emmanuel, God With Us. He is our Living Hope.
We are facing so much globally and in our daily lives but, single parents, as you face the challenges, you are not alone. As you walk the journey of single parenting, we want to offer encouragement and hope any way we can. Join our Solo Parent Society community by participating in one of our online groups meeting Monday through Saturday every week. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram (@soloparentsociety). Subscribe to our weekly podcast via AccessMore or wherever you get your podcasts and download our Solo Parent app FREE in the app store. We love to connect single parents to resources that offer hope and help. If you want to donate so we can reach more single-parent families, go to www.soloparentsociety.com. Questions? Email us at info@spsociety.com.
God With Us In Our Struggle
The holidays can be difficult because they bring up so many emotions for all of us. Especially as single parents, it can be hard to celebrate when we are facing painful memories of lost dreams, broken family traditions, and at times, being apart from our kids. Our reality is far different from a Hallmark movie storyline. Celebrating the season can be a struggle because it highlights the pain of parenting alone.
Because we know the reality of loss can peak around the holidays, we want to offer some strategies that might help you embrace the truth that God is with us in grief.
1. Identify and confess your strugle. We need to acknowledge and admit that our grief is real. We need to stop being afraid of it. There is no shame in grief. Yet, sometimes we shrink back from naming and facing it. But grief is a normal part of the human experience. Grief is a sign that our losses and pain matter because we matter. When we love someone and lose them, it's sad. There is a painful void left behind. When we lose the dream of a typical family, it hurts.
2. Accept struggle as normal. It's normal to feel grief and to struggle, especially during the holidays. We need to let ourselves feel it. We need to let go of the desire to push it aside and ignore it. If you are a single parent, you know a lot about grief and feeling loss. These feelings can become even stronger during the holiday season when the losses are highlighted. Remember though, you are not alone, and to struggle with grief and sadness is normal.
3. Invite God into your struggle. Don't be afraid to let your heart be known by God. That is where intimacy and trust are born. Go to Him honestly with all you are feeling. Don't hide the dark places from Him. Let Him enter your highs, lows, and everything in between. He will meet you there, where you are.
4. Finally, recognize God's presence with you in struggle. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. He is acquainted with grief and He will be with you in it. We can find a sense of peace even in sadness and loss because God promises to be with those crushed in spirit.
Single parent, Elizabeth, shares her experience with grief especially around the holidays. Christmas is hard being a solo parent. It's just not easy. The loss of extended family because of divorce is painful. It just is. Seeing pictures of past celebrations pop up on your phone or just having memories come to mind is like a stab to the heart. Ornaments from past years highlight the changes we've experienced. Your kids leaving to go be with their other family hurts and feels like a loss in itself. Reminder after reminder comes up even as you're getting through Thanksgiving Day and putting up a Christmas tree.
Even as the waves of emotion wash over you, it's important to remember too that grief and gratitude can coexist. We can be thankful for our children's connection to their other parent's family even while we experience sadness at not being with them. And, it's normal to have FOMO - fear of missing out - when we know traditions are continuing that we are no longer part of anymore. Being disconnected and excluded from special memories and experiences with our kids is hard.
That's why this topic is so important. Grief around the holidays is real and normal. It's healthy to acknowledge and accept it. We can also hold on to the truth that God is with us in that grief. He is Emmanuel. Especially during this pandemic, when everything feels heightened, it's even more necessary to invite God into that reality. We are all under more stress and more easily triggered. We aren't necessarily in the best place ourselves so we need God to be with us even more.
How do we embrace Emmanuel - God with us - in struggle?
Identifying and confessing grief is the first step. We all experience sadness and hurt, but what we do with those emotions varies. We each handle our feelings differently. Some of us find ourselves staying busier, avoiding quiet times when the feelings will inevitably surface. Distractions are easier than facing the sadness. Sometimes, our tendency is to try to control things, or work hard to numb out and ignore our grief. Others sink beneath the weight of the feelings and wallow and wade in sadness, perhaps isolating, unable to function. These reactions are common. But we don't find genuine health or wholeness in these responses, only temporary relief. Rather, admitting and identifying our grief helps us process it. It's normal to feel this way. Rather than suppressing it or becoming overwhelmed by it, we need to accept it and let ourselves feel it.
Grief that goes underground can become depression, anger, bitterness, or cynicism. We might find ourselves ignoring our feelings of hurt, sadness, and loneliness only to act them out in impatience, irritability, or isolation. Naming and facing our feelings is the first steps to experience God with us in grief.
Next, as we recognize and normalize our grief, we can start to notice our default settings. Are we avoiding it, getting stuck in it, or pretending it's not there? Instead of reacting by default, we can be patient with ourselves as we process it in an intentional way, with God and with safe people in our lives.
Grief doesn't mean you're in a bad place. In fact, sometimes the most incredible breakthroughs happen because of a breakdown. Instead of trying to escape our grief, we can sit with God in it. It's normal to feel sadness and hurt after loss. And, it's normal to be triggered emotionally because of our story. This is just part of life.
As we get honest about these losses and all that is going on inside of us as a result, we can bring our whole heart to God. Instead of reacting in a "knee-jerk" kind of way, we can cope with our feelings of grief more intentionally. We can acknowledge and accept them and bring them to God.
Another thing to remember about grief is that it can make us long for what we once had. Even if what we lost was toxic or harmful, it's normal to sometimes want it back. Don't be surprised if you miss, sentimentally, what you once had. It doesn't mean you want your former partner or old life back. Rather, missing those things is a reflection that you experienced a loss that still hurts. These thoughts and feelings are a normal part of the grieving process. We might even idealize and long for those things again. But just because we miss being a family unit or being married doesn't mean you should go back to it. Feeling sadness at the loss doesn't mean it's a healthier or better path for you or for your kids.
Transitions as single parents are hard. Having mixed emotions and thoughts of regret are normal and will happen as we grieve so it's especially important to ask God to be with us in it. We need the peace of His presence and His guidance as we move ahead.
The more we identify and normalize our grief and struggle, and as we invite God into it with us, the more we can offer that experience to our kids. We can empathize with them instead of subconsciously trying to manage their feelings. Instead of modeling avoidance or numbing out, we can help them acknowledge and accept sadness and grief as normal. Our example gives them permission to feel all the emotions themselves and to process them in a healthy way. We can sit with them and talk through it so they don't feel alone.
So, how do we invite God into our struggle? What are practical ways we can recognize His presence in it? We can invite Him in by expressing it honestly. We can do that through tears, journaling, talking out loud with trusted friends about it, and admitting when we are angry and afraid because of the losses we've experienced. We can ask God to be with as we feel sad, hurt, and lonely. Sometimes it helps to imagine sitting at God's feet or to visualize being held by Him, as we grieve and cry. That picture of Him, acting as our loving Father, one who brings comfort and who cares deeply about us, is helpful.
Worshipping God while we're facing our grief helps too. It reminds me us of who He is and what He has done. His Word can bring comfort even as we are feeling painful things. When God says He is with us, it's not just words on a page. He sent His Spirit to comfort us, to guide us, and to help us - in the here and now, in the reality of our pain. We can pour out our hearts to God. We can give it all to Him as we picture Him near us, acting on our behalf.
Another thing to remember is that God doesn't restore everything the way we expect or the way we might want. God with us in grief doesn't mean He comes and gives back whatever we lost. Rather, He redeems us where we are now and where we are going. He gives us a richer understanding of who He is and all He has done for us.
Psalm 34 says the Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves those crushed in spirit. God walks with us along painful pathways. He will not leave us to face them alone. We can bring our hurts to Him and He will help us with them. Sometimes it is only in going through hardship that we realize and recognize His presence. Confessing and acknowledging our pain helps us know God in a deeper way and this intimacy with Him is transformational. God may not restore our circumstances, but He restores our heart and redeems our hurts. In the process of facing our pain, God will meet us in it. We can feel His kindness, mercy, and grace in our suffering. God transforms what we bring to Him. He can make beauty from ashes. He truly is Emmanuel - God with us, no matter what we are facing.
As you walk the journey of single parenting, we want to offer encouragement and hope any way we can. Join our Solo Parent Society community by participating in one of our online groups meeting every week. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram (@solopa rentsociety). Subscribe to our weekly podcast via AccessMore or wherever you get your podcasts and download our Solo Parent app FREE in the app store. We love to connect single parents to resources that offer hope and help. If you want to donate so we can reach more single-parent families, go to www.soloparentsociety.com. Questions? Email us at info@spsociety.com.
Worth - Teaching Our Kids Worth
We live in a time where our kids are being battered around by all kinds of voices and comparisons, more than when we were kids for sure. 24/7 they are hearing lies about ways they don't measure up. Depression, anxiety, and suicide are on a serious increase. As adults, we are facing these things too, but we have history, context, and experience to know that these things come and go but our kids don't.
Especially during the pandemic, the hopelessness, and questions about "Am I worth it" can be very loud voices. With current events like this, it's more important than ever to notice what our kids are going through and identify how they are feeling about themselves. Teaching our kids how to have a healthy sense of worth is paramount.
All this month we've been building our idea of worth using the acronym VIP, value, identity, and purpose. We are going to use these same ideas to explore practical ways to teach a healthy sense of worth to our kids.
First, psychologists agree a good place for parents to start is by modeling what healthy self-worth looks like themselves. We don't have to be perfect or have everything figured out to do this. The process is as important, if not more important, than being able to show our kids we know and understand our value, identity, and purpose.
Teaching our kids is reinforcing their value, identity, and purpose in our every day lives. Identity and purpose will come later as they grow in their own story and along their own life path. But we can teach our kids value from day one to create a foundation of healthy worth.
Teaching value is first found in understanding who God is. We often measure ourselves by comparing ourselves with other people. We may not have the same characteristics, traits, or attributes as someone else and we can determine incorrectly that somehow means we are less valuable. But the good news is that value has everything to do with God and nothing to do with us. When we start with who He is, we can accept that our great Creator who hung the stars and moon and created everything on earthy also thought it was important for each of us to be created. He loves us dearly and brought us to life because we each needed to be here. His decision to create us demonstrates our intrinsic value.
But how do we teach this to our kids? We can do this in three practical ways every day.
1. Show affection
2. Speak affirmation
3. Create space
Show Affection
We can first encourage a sense of worth in our kids by showing them affection. Our kids need to know how much they are valued by us. They need to know we are so glad they are here, and they are not an accident.
We can't assume our kids know how proud of them we are or how glad we are to be their mom or dad. We must demonstrate it by showing them affection. Our kids need daily reminders that we are happy to have time with them and that we enjoy being around them. We can show them this with hugs, sitting together and just being close to them, or telling them with words or acts of service that they matter to us. Showing affection can look lots of different ways, like being at their sporting event, remembering their favorite things and taking time to know what's important to them.
With older kids, don't let them isolate to their rooms too much. It's normal for teens to want some space but make it a priority to be near them when you can - after work, at meals, at bedtime. Use eye contact and body language to show them you care. Being in each other's physical presence helps our kids develop a sense of their importance and their value. Smile and let your eyes light up when they enter the room. Set aside other things whenever possible to show them they are worthy of your undivided attention.
Speak Affirmation
Not only does showing affection build a sense of value but so do words of affirmation. Kids need our affection and our presence, but they also need to hear we are proud of them just as they are. Robert Beeson, Solo Parent Society founder, shares that these words matter to us as adults, so they matter to our kids. After putting together a successful event recently, Robert shared the highlight wasn't the accolades he got from colleagues but rather the simple words of his dad saying, "I'm very proud of you and your mother would be too. I'll always love you." These words meant more because Robert wanted to hear them while he was growing up, but they weren't expressed very often. Kids need us to show affection AND they need to hear affirmation from us. Words matter and kids need to consistently hear that you love them and that you're proud of them. Speaking affirmation helps them know they are valued.
If this is an area that you missed from your parents as a child, be the one to break the cycle. Change the paradigm and intentionally speak words of life and love into your children. The more you speak affirmation to them, the more they will grow in security and in knowing their value. Especially for kids who have experienced divorce or the loss of a parent, we must be deliberate in letting them know they are seen, and we must also talk to them about how God sees them. Not only can we build them up with encouragement as a parent, we can build them up in the truth of God's word. Reinforcing their origin as children of God is critical in them understanding their value.
Psalm 139:14-16 says,
" For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
Our value is determined by God. As parents, we can reinforce that sense of worth with our kids. This value goes beyond the bond of family or humanity. We can remind them that God thought it was just as important to create them as it was to create their favorite sports hero, gaming pro, or whomever they admire most.
Create Space
The third point in creating value is creating space to be with our kids and spend time with them. We reinforce their value by showing them they are important enough for us to carve out time to just be with them. God shows us the same value by prioritizing our relationship with him too. He wants us to talk to Him and to spend time with Him. When we express the same desire to be with our kids, we help them understand their value. Play video games with them, build Legos with them, create space to meet them where they are and show them you enjoy time with them. This teaches our kids that they are valuable and reinforces a healthy sense of worth.
We teach our kids a further sense of their worth when we help them embrace and discover their individual identity and purpose. Just like we need to pay attention to our history, story, and life path, we can pay attention to our kids' journey too. When we intentionally notice our children's strengths and weaknesses and celebrate both who they are and who they are not, we teach them to embrace their unique design. None of us are good at everything but that doesn't make us less valuable. And, we can encourage our kids to try new pursuits even if they won't be the best at it. This gives our kids freedom and permission to explore their identity and purpose without expecting perfection or a specific outcome.
Single parents, we help our kids understand their worth by reminding them their value is determined by their Creator. Our voice can remind them they are here by design and are valuable just as they are by showing our kids affection, speaking affirmation, and creating space for them.
As you walk the journey of single parenting, we want to help you any way we can. Join our Solo Parent Society community by participating in one of our online groups meeting every week. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram (@soloparentsociety). Subscribe to our weekly podcast via AccessMore or wherever you get your podcasts and download our Solo Parent app FREE in the app store. We love to connect single parents to resources that offer hope and help. If you want to donate so we can reach more single-parent families, go to www.soloparentsociety.com . Questions? Email us at info@spsociety.com .
Worth - Discovering Your Purpose
Worth is made up of our value, identity, and purpose (V.I.P.). Understanding each of these elements helps us know we are VIP's in God's kingdom. Each one of us has intrinsic value because we were created by our Creator. We each have a unique identity shaped and informed by our history, story, strengths, and passions. And, we were created on purpose for a purpose - to walk out the plan God set in place and to do the works He planned in advance for us to do.
Discovering your purpose is part three of our series on worth. Your purpose is a path. It's a process of discovery, not a destination. There are two distinctives to pay attention to in discovering your purpose. They are your design and your path.
The first is our design. To understand our purpose and unlock our power, we must value our design. This starts with knowing and believing we are uniquely created by the Designer for a specific purpose. When we are anchored in this knowledge, we can embrace our unique design. Some of us believe we have to fit in, perform, or look and behave in certain ways to accomplish our purpose. Instead of trying to fit into these boxes, we need to look into God's word to discover our design. Our design isn't found in fashion magazines or other worldly measure like career achievements or accumulating material things. This isn't God's design.
God's design for us is not the same as that of culture or society. "Comparison is the thief of joy" and when we look to worldly standards to measure our design, we can easily lose sight of our godly purpose. We need to be intentional and look to God instead to discover our gifting and purpose. Luke 13:20 says, "He asked, "To what can I compare the kingdom of God? It is like leaven that a woman took and mixed into three measures of flour, until all of it was leavened." Yeast is tiny and unseen yet it acts throughout the entire batch of dough causing it to rise. Start asking God to reveal the "leaven" He has placed in you. Look for those areas that are evidence of His Spirit acting inside of you for His kingdom. God created you with unique gifts to be used for unique purposes. Take some time to explore how He designed you.
Former single mom, Kimberley, shares something her daughter said when she was 8 years old. "Hey Mom, the word "us" is part of "Jesus" so that means we belong together. Jesus and us." Yes! So simple and yet so profound. Jesus and us. We were made for connection with Him. We were created to know and follow Him. Both our design and our path our part of our purpose.
And His purpose for our lives is so much better and higher than our own. When we open ourselves up to God and His purposes for us, it can look a lot different than we expect but it is so much better. Robert Beeson, founder of Solo Parent Society, says his solo season revealed more of God's plan for him than ever before. It is at rock bottom that we sometimes find our deepest connection to God and understand ourselves more than could have in any other circumstances. Being intentional about our solo season and asking God to show us who He created us to be can be pivotal. We can come out on the other side transformed, ready to embrace our design and the path we are on, however unexpected.
And our path is the second part of discovering our purpose. Often when we think of purpose, we think of it as a destination or something we determine. And that just isn't the case. Purpose is not an objective, it's an outcome. Purpose is found in our design and in the path that God has us on, even when that path includes hardships, trials, and brokenness.
Everything happens on purpose for a purpose. Sometimes we get in a rush. We get impatient and we want to see the ending, but God gives us "just enough light for the step we're on". Our purpose is found in trusting God in the unknowns and in the difficult places. God wants us to be fully present in our daily lives, right here and now. Knowing and following Him isn't found in an end result, but rather in being used by Him as a vessel in everyday moments.
Purpose is like a train station. We find it along the way as we obey God and go where He calls us. It isn't found at the ene destination. It is found in the present and often in the simple things - being kind to those around us, making a difference in small but profound ways, as we love God and others right where we are. [6.5 m]
Even when life throws us curve balls, our purpose remains. Wake up every day and ask God, "What do you want me to do today?" and then go do it. That is purpose! Sometimes God's ways surprise us. Sometimes He slows us down or shuts doors we wanted to be open, but we just need to follow Him and ask Him what He wants us to do. When we realize we aren't in control and let go, it's the perfect opportunity to discover real purpose.
Single parents, ask God, "What does purpose look like for me today?" Purpose is found in the belief that He goes before us and in remembering what He has already done. There is so much right in front of us that we don't see. Discovering our purpose is found in stopping and taking inventory to discover our unique design and see the things on our path to pay attention to and trust God in. That is where we find our purpose.
If 2020 is teaching us anything, it's that life can change on a dime. Our greatest purpose is not found in a specific title, destination, or accomplishment. Our greatest purpose is as a child of God. Our design and our path are all because of Him. We bring our design - our loaves and fishes - to God and He multiplies them as He chooses, along the path HE has planned for us. As we surrender, and bring Him whatever we have to give, He does what only He can do and uses it for His plans and His glory.
Our value is because of God, inherent in all of us as sons and daughters of God. Second, our identity is the story God is writing in our lives, the testimony of God's faithfulness. Finally, our purpose is found in our design and the path God has planned for each of us.
Ephesians 3:20 says "Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than all we can ask or imagine according to His power that is already at work in us." Our value is unshakeable, our identity is as children of God, and our purpose is found as we follow Him on His path for us. It is His job to do "infinitely more" than we can "ask or imagine". Start journaling as you ask God about His design and His path for your life. Ask Him what "loaves and fishes" He has given you to be used for His purposes. Ask Him to reveal His plans for you. God's purpose for you is in progress. It isn't over simply because life has surprised you with unexpected twists and turns. There is so much hope in Him. Embrace your design and your path and follow Him into your purpose.
As you walk the journey of single parenting, we want to offer support and encouragement. Join our Solo Parent Society community by participating in one of our online groups meeting Monday through Saturday every week. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram (@soloparentsociety). Subscribe to our weekly podcast via AccessMore or wherever you get your podcasts and download our Solo Parent app FREE in the app store. We love to connect single parents to resources that offer hope and help. If you want to donate so we can reach more single-parent families, go to www.soloparentsociety.com.
Questions?
Email us at info@spsociety.com.
Worth: Uncovering Our Identity
Single parents have often walked a challenging path experiencing hurts and obstacles along the way. These difficulties can shake their sense of worth leaving them feeling empty and unsure of who they are. Regaining a sense of worth is found in recovering our sense of value, uncovering our identity, and realizing our purpose.
Each component builds on the other. The first one, our value, is unchangeable and intrinsic. God determines our value which is foundational to our sense of worth. The second component is our identity. Our identity is made up of characteristics that distinguish us from one another. It's our individual stories that set us apart. Finally, our worth helps inform our purpose. We were created intentionally by God to fulfill good works planned for us. When we have a solid understanding of our value, identity, and purpose, we can walk with confidence in our worth, knowing we were created by God, on purpose for a purpose.
One of the components needed for a healthy sense of worth is uncovering our identity. We can gain valuable knowledge of who we are through four facets: 1) our history, 2) the setbacks we've experienced, 3) our unique strengths, and 4) our individual passion.
First, our history starts with our family of origin. Part of understanding our identity lies in understanding how we grew up and how it impacted us. Whether raised in a big family or as an only child, whether under ideal circumstances or difficult ones, our upbringing has shaped and molded us into who we are today. Understanding our history helps us understand our identity today. The story of Joseph illustrates how our family of origin can shape us. Joseph was a favored son and his brothers became jealous as a result. His childhood experiences of having dreams and being able to interpret them are a big part of his family history. Your family history matters too.
Another facet of our identity are the setbacks we've faced. Each one of us has experienced different hardships and difficulties that inform our identity and sense of who we are. Joseph was betrayed and sold into slavery by his brothers. He was accused of something he didn't do and was thrown into prison. These hardships impacted his identity just like we are impacted by our own. Adversities like divorce, abuse, illness, or betrayal change our life trajectory and the way we see ourselves. Some alter our identity while others reinforce it or cause us to reinvent part of who we are.
Like our history and setbacks, our strengths are another facet of identity. Our unique talents and strengths help us understand who we were created to be. Some of our experiences develop these strengths and others reveal ones we didn't even know were there. Each strength informs part of our identity. Taking inventory of our strengths is an important part of recognizing our worth. One of Joseph's strengths was charisma. He first found favor with his father and later with those he encountered while he was a slave and in prison. Joseph also knew how to interpret dreams. This gift from God gave him an advantage and set him up to gain stature in Egypt. Knowing our strengths is a key facet to knowing our identity.
Passion is the final facet in discovering our identity. We can find our passion by looking at the things we are drawn to, like nurturing kids, being creative, or starting a business. When we take the time to understand our individual passions, we gain a greater understanding of our identity too. Sometimes the turmoil we have faced as a single parent can rob us of some of our passion, but these same adversities can also fuel it.
Taking time to recognize our passions is a key facet in knowing our identity. Joseph's passion was always in being a leader. Even while home with his brothers as a younger son, he demonstrated leadership sharing the dreams that set him apart. Later, he continued to lead in Potiphar's house, acting with excellence and confidence. Ultimately, he became an important
leader in Egypt, second only to the king. His passions were part of his unique identity with his history, setbacks, and strengths.
These four facets inform our identity as single parents too. Single mom, Elizabeth, shares that discovering her identity, particularly after divorce, has been a healing process. Understanding her history by looking back, with a counselor, at her family of origin has been a significant part of that. While some of her memories have been hard and painful, others are positive and
include fond memories she wants to create with her own kids. Overall, this discovery process can be a gift because it allows us to reshape some of the "default settings" from the past, and instead, choose another way.
Like our personal history, the setbacks we experience also impact our identity. Former single mom, Kimberley, shares that she had hopes and dreams that crumbled when life didn't go the way she expected. The broken pieces left her feeling like a failure, but God used those things to transform her into who she is today. Elizabeth shared that some of the hardest setbacks in her life have now given her greater empathy for others struggling with their own hurts. She goes back to Genesis 50:20 again and again, knowing that what others meant to harm her, God can use for good.
Along with understanding our history and setbacks, single parents can also discover their identity by finding their strengths. This process isn't always easy. It can be hard to identify our gifts and talents especially after we've been hurt, rejected, or when we feel like we've failed. One of the ways you can do this is by starting with God. Asking Him who He says you are. Let Him reveal the strengths He has innately put in you or that He developed in you through your story.
Finally, we can discover our identity through our passions, those things that we love to do and that bring us joy and satisfaction. Sometimes when life kicks us around, we can feel so defeated, we lose sight of our passions. But God's calling and gifts are irrevocable. He has good plans for each one of us. Ephesians 2:10 says, "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Finding our passions is part of discovering our identity. Just like our strengths, we can start by asking God what He has planned for us and how He wants us to use our passions.
Worth is a huge topic. To have a healthy sense of our worth, we first must start by knowing our intrinsic value as God's beloved children. Then we can look at our identity, the unique stories we each have that set us apart from others. Our history, the setbacks we've experienced, our strengths, and our passions all shape our identity. Taking time to understand each facet helps us identify who we are in Christ. But this doesn't always happen quickly or easily. Be patient with yourself and ask God to guide you each step of the way.
As you walk the journey of single parenting, we want to offer support and encouragement. Join our Solo Parent Society community by participating in one of our online groups meeting Monday through Saturday every week. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram (@soloparentsociety). Subscribe to our weekly podcast via AccessMore or wherever you get your podcasts and download our Solo Parent app FREE in the app store. We love to connect single parents to resources that offer hope and help. If you want to donate so we can reach more single-parent families, go to www.soloparentsociety.com.
Questions?
Email us at info@spsociety.com.
As a single parent, sometimes we can feel like there's a wall between us and God because we believe we've failed and are a disappointment, so we see ourselves as unworthy. For some of us that have lost our spouse to death we may feel angry for God letting this happen. These things can lead to comparing ourselves to other people that seem to have it all together spiritually or otherwise.
Here is the good news, knowing God's love can actually be more intimate during this solo season than in any other season, and it is the basis for everything we try to be about at Solo Parent Society.
Here are the 3 areas of focus that we employ at SPS that help us encounter God's love.
Confession
Confession is expressing the good and bad - The doubts and praise. Ultimately it is about expressing with our mouths (or writing it down) our completely transparent and honest feelings. A few questions that might be helpful:
How do you feel when you think about coming into God's presence?
What do you think he may be disappointed in?
Proud of?
If you were to name a feeling that my be creating a wall what would that feeling be?
The goal is to authentically be known in our most intimate state by God and at least one person and/ or a journal.
Absolutes
This is where we search out truth about what we have confessed. This could be as simple as a google search - "What does the bible say about anger/shame/doubt/ fear?" This step must take place AFTER we have transparently confessed what might be causing a wall between us and God. Whatever the wall is search scriptures about what God says about that.
Study what God promises to take care of and find evidence of His faithfulness in our lives. Write those promises down and post them on the wall - Example Isaiah 54:4-5.
Acceptance
Taking what we have uncovered in our heart - Confession - and what we discover in our head - Absolutes - now we need to incorporate into a life style.
One way is a remembering exercise.
Step 1. Remember
Practice remembrance by taking the time to list all of the ways God has worked in your life. Here are some helpful categories to write out some experiences:
Childhood
Teen years (middle and high school)
Early adulthood (18-25 years old)
Adulthood (25+ age)
Other areas like in motherhood/fatherhood, marriage, etc.
Step 2. Recognition
Practice recognizing all the small ways God works in your life every day. This is a daily practice of gratitude. For example, each day write down three things for which you are grateful. Try to not repeat yourself. Write down new things or new ways to express gratitude even about a recurring blessing. You will likely have to get creative, which can cause you to be more aware of where and how God is at work in your life.
Step 3. Repetition
Continually repeat these practices. This isn't a one-and-done. Go back to your lists and add to them. Ask God to reveal the ways He is at work around you so you don't miss anything. Our busy lives can often distract us from what is most important. The old adage "Count your blessings" may seem trite or cheesy, but in the Solo season, this attitude can be strategic in your growth and healing.
God's Love is personal and intimate. The obstacles or disappointments we believe create a wall between us and God are often the very things that create an opportunity to discover a more intimate relationship with Him. God doesn't love me for what I do for Him, He just loves me, even when I do nothing at all... that is wild, wild stuff!
It can be overwhelming... conflicting, complicated and all consuming.
Conflicting - Exciting and terrifying
Complicated - We are not just making decisions for ourselves, it effects my kids... potentially my ex.
All consuming - Making room to do this means I am sacrificing another area and I am already spread thin.
NOT TO MENTION finding a mate /or not is probably the biggest decision we will have to make.
3 elements to factor in as we consider dating again.
1. Identify where I am - self awareness
Name you fears, it brings freedom - with awareness brings healing
Name your feeling - its ok to be excited as much as afraid
Who am I - am I someone that someone would want to date?
What work do I still need to do?
What are scars - Replace the word 'baggage' with 'bonus'
What are hopes?
Give lots of grace - see this is not a one shot chance
2. Define what you are looking for, what we need and where you want to go
First of all when thinking about this don't envision a specific person.
Create a check list - Write down what's important related to
Career
Family - existing and or future
Age
Faith
How they treat people
How they treat their kids
Disipline
Kindness
Why do I want to be remarried?
Companionship?
Emotional stability?
Financial stability?
What did you love about your last relationship
What are non negotiable
Pray - God, what am I missing?
3. Create Plan - Patience or proceed
Patience is self explanatory - and remember it is a season - you will not stay 'in the waiting'... expand your friend group circle so loneliness doesn't compromise the waiting.
Proceeding Check list
Pray - submit the conversations
If using a dating app
-Use caution - don't put to much out there
-Take time
-Be completely honest
-Be patient
-Proximity
-Meet at public place
-Don't let them in your house
-Set boundaries
-Be true to you
-Don't move too quickly - Especially physically - Casual sex is anything but casual. It comes with burdens, shame and complicates healing and can create emotional confusion.
-How quick you introduce to kids - protecting kids from getting to attached
-Be open to new
Remember, to date or not to date is one of the most important decision we will face as a single parent and it deserves a carefully thought out position, and tons of prayer.
We all want to love our kids well. Loving them while we are in a position of feeling broken and vulnerable can create problems - blind-spots. Sometimes we tend to spoil them, shielding them from life's natural consequences because they have already had so much trauma. Or we can be triggered by seeing our ex in their behavior and inadvertently withdraw. Coming out of a relationship that leaves us with scars can leave us with blind-spots related to how we see and give healthy love to our family.
Ultimately, we should parent our kids as God parents us. God parents us by investing in long term character over short term gratification.
Even with all good intentions, we can develop blind-spots in 3 primary areas.
-Overcompensating
Making sure our kids have the latest and greatest.
-Not giving consequences
Not holding them accountable for their behavior or choices.
-Crossing emotional boundaries
We can become either become dependent or the opposite we withdraw.
Not addressing any and/or all of these blind-spots can create long term ramifications for our kids. ( Narcissism, entitlement, or failure to adapt are examples of the mindsets that our kids will take into their future relationships, both personal or professional.)
In general, a good question to ask ourselves when we are facing any situation with our kids is a self-assessment - "Am I trying to make my child happy, or am I trying to do what's best for my child?"
As single parents, we have so much other drama in so many areas of our lives, it is natural not to want to create more tension with our kids. Nevertheless, it is essential to address these blind-spots to create the most potential of our child's future successful relationships.
-Overcompensating
Changing the way we look at things. God doesn't give us everything we want. He is more interested in developing our character, which sometimes is hard. We need to continually self assess what our motivation is - are trying to make them happy or build character. We need to remind ourselves that 'withholding' their temporary relief or pleasure is a form of love.
-Not giving consequences
Overlooking behavior or making excuses for behavior might alleviate momentary discomfort, but it can create long term ramifications. What we permit now will grow. We need to be very clear about Ground rules and expectations (often in writing), and then be consistent and be willing to escalate consequences. That is equipping our kids to know that is how the world works. If we fall short, don't give up... get back up and keep trying. Also, expect to be tested with harder and harder resistance... It actually means you are doing things right.
-Crossing emotional boundaries
It makes sense that our kids are the safest place to invest our emotions... or that things they do can trigger memories of our ex's behaviors. We need to remind ourselves that these are human beings that need to see healthy love modeled. We are not in equal emotional places. So we need to seek outside adult friendships to process through the tough stuff and feel the intimate care of others. If we are prone to withdraw, schedule time to just being present. Go to where they are and what interests them, and just be there with them.
As single parents, it is natural to have blind-spots that looks a lot like love. We need to parent like God parents - paying attention to what is being build rather than immediate happiness. Being brave enough to disappoint - and always parent from a position of love, not fear or immediate gratification. REMEMBER, we were chosen to guide and mold the humans entrusted to us.
Some of us think that self love is only self serving. An incorrect belief that in order to parent well, our kid's needs come before our needs, and often we over compensate. The problem is, we can't give what we don't have. Often we spend so much time focusing on other people we don't spend enough time loving and caring for ourselves.
Self Love if often viewed as a reward or a special treat we give to ourselves... but it goes far beyond that. Love is an activity not a quality. Loving yourself requires more than just a mindset, it requires action.
3 keys to practicing self love can be broken into the following steps.
1. Mindset Reset
We have to start resetting how we view self love. Understanding that loving ourselves well brings value to how we love our kids. Self love = loving our kids
It requires committing to making this a priority
Give grace, not putting so much pressure on ourselves - be patient - a mind reset wont happen overnight
TRY THIS
- Right notes on bathroom mirror - reminding of who we are / our identity - Psalm 139
- Verbalize - say it out loud - say it till you believe - examples "I am worth taking care of, I am not my mistakes, I am not my past, I will live into my best days still ahead of me, God chose me to parent these kids - He will equip me."
- Write down an inventory of what we have accomplished by ourselves
Above all - Give grace - metamorphosis takes time
2. Boundaries
Often we overcompensate for the hurt our kids have been through and let our boundaries down. Focus on establishing simple boundaries that provide margin to our lives.
With our kids -
Don't take every phone call - let them know every question they may have is important - but there is a difference between important vs immediate - Have them start to discern if the question they have is urgent and requires an immediate answer or if maybe they could text vs phone call or even write things down to bring up later.
Create Space - be deliberate in carving out alone time. Let them know that everyone has a need for space and teach / model what that looks like next time you are asked "can I sleep in your bed".
With our Ex / Family / Friends
Get out of volatile conversations. Ask for schedule changes etc. to be put in writing.
Express appreciation to our ex or family members for wrestling with trying to do the right thing. Deescalate.
Don't say yes to every opportunity. Protect your time and remember saying 'yes' to something means saying 'no' to something else.
Prioritize time with 'life giving' relationships
3. Fill your cup
Do things that bring you joy
Cooking, Gardening, Painting, Reading
Try something new - allow yourself to pursue something exciting.
Don't be afraid to ask for help create space - trade time with other single parents.
Do things that you can complete, even as simple as making the bed.
Remember: Self love is not selfish. If we don't do it for us, do it for our kids because we cant give what we don't have. When I enrich my own life, I'll be life-giving to others too.
Join us on Facebook - Facebook.com/SoloParentSociety - You are not alone!
As single parents, sometimes our schedules and all the tactical things we have to get done can eat up our time and suddenly we find that we don't have time for God. We can get disconnected from a sense of spiritual balance and lose our sense of belonging. Often, we may not feel connected to anything, which can make us isolate even more.
There are many things that can create a disconnection from God. Sometimes we go to other people or things for our security and connection point. We can create idols without even realizing it. Sometimes we feel forgotten, broken and end up feeling nothing. We can feel so damaged that we wonder so why would anyone want us and that we are a disappointment to God. So we wonder where we do we even fit anymore.
So how do we get back to the place of finding true spiritual balance or alignment - for some of us maybe for the first time.
Spiritual balance isn't just about memorizing Bible verses. It's about true connection. This comes from embracing two components:
Spiritual identity
Spiritual connection
Spiritual identity is working toward connection based on whose we are. It's operating from our actual identities instead of the false identities we tend to create.
Before we became physical beings, we were actually spiritual beings. We're a soul with a temporary body. As we grow up, the we take on new identities based on how the world sees us. An identity built from shame, burden, performance, family, career, etc. All of these physical and emotional things can become our identities. They cover up the real "you" - who God created us to be.
We start letting the physical and emotional things become our identities, but they aren't healthy identities.
When those things are taken away, it's extremely uncomfortable. We don't know who we are anymore. But God wants us like this - He wants us dependent on Him instead of those other things. Those things aren't as important as we think they are. Those things being taken away can be the most important thing to ever happen to us. The reason for that is God wants us to know His love is based on who we are, not what we do. We are deeply loved daughters and sons.
This is our true identity.
Keeping your true identity front and center can be difficult. Some ways to do this are:
Writing affirmations or reminders of who we are and posting them around the house and office. Or just speaking the truth out loud. These can combat the lies that are always flying around.
Once we are more in tune with who we are, we can begin to open ourselves up for Spiritual Connection. But we have to create intentional space to do this - schedule your priorities.
Once we create space in our schedules, it's important to learn the ways we connect.
Connection can happen in journaling as a prayer to God and being completely vulnerable with Him. Another is through worship music. Meditation, visualization and being still can also help us connect in a deep way.
If you're just starting off and need to take a first step, start by being more still. Lean in and ask God to show you what He's trying to teach you in this time of growth and learning. God is glorified in your weakness and He will make all things perfect. Focus on getting to the core of your spiritual identity and then find intimate connection.
With all the demands of raising kids on our own with less than optimal resources, money and time it is VERY easy to become mentally overwhelmed. To work towards emotional / mental balance it is important to identify two categories to focus on.
* Things we have control over
* Things we don't have control over
When we face unpleasant situations it is natural to react with anger, worry, fear, anxiety etc. Finding emotional balance helps us to attain flexibility and promotes stabilization between our mind and body. In other words, emotional balance teaches us how to respond to negative emotions and thoughts without just getting stuck in them.
The most important component to mental or emotional health we have complete control over - our perspective. Defining the correct perspective dictates our quality of life and is the root what we model for our kids, of how we communicate and experience every encounter and thought
It starts and ends with this - God is in control - nothing has caught him off guard. We are constantly surprised - He is never. And He can be trusted with wellbeing and our ability to face anything we are facing.
That being, there are things we can do that will bring balance to our emotional / mental state. First, let's identify things that we do have control over. They might be mundane things like - feeding the kids, being fully present, showing up to work, how I speak to my ex , finding community, pausing / meditation and then there are the more internal things like choosing the right perspective, being grateful, giving ourselves grace or pursuing humor.
A recent healthline article offers some different approaches."The less-dominant side of your brain is the area that controls feelings of self-confidence and optimism. When you think about something other than your daily worries, you increase activity in the neural structures of that area of your brain.
Reading - Beyond the mechanics, reading helps you visualize the subject matter on the pages before you, and imagine what voices sound like in the written dialogue. it can stoke the imagination and ignite so many different parts of the brain.
Be positive with yourself Positive affirmation is one avenue to increased mental proficiency.
Play games - Games that test reasoning and other portions of your brain are fun ways to keep your mind sharp. (Even video games)"
Now let's tackle the harder side of mental balance - things we have no control over: That might be our ex's behavior, the complexities of day to day, unexpected issues - kids being sick, people's perception of what caused the divorce or how we are parenting.
Here is what Psychology Today says this about facing things beyond our control. "When you find yourself worrying, take a minute to examine the things you have control over. You can't prevent a storm from coming, but you can prepare for it. You can't control how someone else behaves, but you can control how you react. Recognize that, sometimes, all you can control is your effort and your attitude. When you put your energy into the things you can control, you'll be much more effective."
We have found these questions helpful. When facing things that we may have little or NO control over ask yourself:
What am I actually feeling? anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, or surprise
What can I learn? Prayer - God, what are you teaching me?
Whats the next right thing / response?
What am I grateful for?